


Everybody Is Gay At Nissen You Won't Believe What Happens Next

by nyicris



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Humor, LGBT, M/M, idk more characters you'll see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 05:54:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10327223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyicris/pseuds/nyicris
Summary: “At first, Isak enjoyed the gay drama like everyone else would. Then, he felt pushed aside. Similar to you, Eskild, when the young and soft Isak got himself a boyfriend who was not only handsome, but attractive and hot.”Isak rolled his eyes. “Even, can you let me do the explaining?”“Say I’m hot.”“No.”Or: Everyone is LGBT AU featuring The Lesbian Love Triangle, Mahdus, old crushes and more.





	

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by gloria!!! love u 
> 
> enjoy the product of my boredom

_ “Okay. It was a peaceful Wednesday morning when it all started.” _

 

“Isak, I want to ask you something about your, uhm… sexuality,” Vilde sat down by his side at the canteen. Was it so difficult for people to leave him alone during lunch break? Really?

“No, Vilde,” Isak rubbed his eyes. “for the twentieth time, Even and I aren’t doing a promotional photo shoot session for your stupid  _ kosegruppa.  _ Understood?” 

“Yes, I know, I know. What I actually wanted to tell you is… I think I may or may not have possible feelings for a certain girl. Perhaps.” 

Vilde played with her fingers nervously, avoiding his gaze. Oh, he could almost see his past self in her, insecure and in need of an almighty gay guru. It seemed like Isak was going to take Eskild’s place in the lives of his closeted friends. He wasn’t sure if he liked the idea, but he pitied Vilde. How lonely and helpless she must felt in a world full of straights. 

“Okay. I am not an expert in girls’ issues and all of that, but I can listen,” Vilde beamed at him before starting to ramble about her (alleged) “lesbian love triangle”. She refused to spit the names of the other two girls, even though Isak had insisted. 

 

***

 

Even was waiting for him at their bench when Isak got out of class.

“Hey there you piece of hot ass,” Even stood up to peck him on the lips. Isak smiled through the kiss.

“Hi, baby.”

They walked to Isak’s house hand in hand. Isak was finally starting to feel comfortable with PDA. Even told him about the new Netflix’s original series and Isak complained about Sana’s stubbornness in biology. 

“Eva says Sana’s chill, though,” Even shrugged. “I would like to know her better.”

“Nah, I like her. But biology is  _ my _ subject,” Isak realized what his boyfriend had just said. “Eva? Are you two talking now?”

“Yeah,” Even gestured with his free hand, as if brushing it off. “She’s got all this drama going on and she asked me for advice.”

“That’s weird. Vilde did the exact thing with me today,” He frowned. There was something missing there. Even and Isak looked at each other for a few moments until:

“The lesbian love triangle!” They said in sync. 

 

***

 

And that’s how The Lesbian Love Triangle, or TLLT for short, became a thing. Although they were supposed to watch some indie movie, Even and Isak spent the whole evening speculating.  

“It has to be Sana.”

Isak chuckled. “It can’t be.” 

“Why? Are you racist?”

“Shut up, Even!”

“Then, what? Chris? Ingrid? Sara?”

“As straight as they come.”

“That’s heterophobic.”

“I think we’re forgetting someone.”

“Nah.”

Isak went to the kitchen to grab some food when the right answer walked in. 

“Hi, Linn,” She hummed in response as if wanting to say ‘I acknowledge your existence’. But not that one. After her.

“Isak,” A high-pitched voice said from behind Linn. “Have you seen my fish sticks?”

“Of course! Noora!” 

 

***

 

“So,” Noora sighed. “Vilde is kind of not speaking to me anymore because Eva kissed me while being shitfaced; Eva is kind of not speaking to me either because she thought Vilde was the only girl who she liked to hook up with when she’s shitfaced. And I’m not speaking to myself either because I wasn’t drunk or anything when we kissed. I don’t like girls.. I guess? I don’t know.”

After half an hour of hints and indirect questions, Noora  _ talked _ . Isak was busy trying to process the new information (and rearranging the TLLT scheme that he had plotted in his mind) when Even had already come to conclusions. 

“Miss Sætre, I’m sorry to tell you that you suffer from a severe case of obnoxious bisexuality,” Even offered Noora his chips. “Welcome to the club, have some snacks.”

 

***

 

“Isak, you traitor!” Vilde was waiting for him at the lockers’ corridor, arms crossed as if she meant real business.  

“Good morning to you too, Vilde.”

“You talked to  _ her _ !” 

“I think you’re overreacting a little here,” Isak said as he lazily opened his locker.  _ Wow _ , he really needed to clean that. “We just helped her figure out some things. It’s chill.”

“It’s not chill when  _ she _ is talking to Eva right now and they’re going to work things out and probably get married and adopt two cute Chinese twins and call them Sun and Ren and-”

“Vilde,” Isak took a deep breath. “Inhale, exhale. Your brain needs air to function.”

“Don’t go all science on me! Just. Ugh,” She groaned and all of a sudden walked away. 

Isak didn’t understand anything. At least his nightmare was over now. 

 

_ “But it wasn’t over.” Even pointed out.  _

_ “No no, it was far from over.” _

 

***

 

The thing is, closeted boys had other ways to communicate their dubious sexuality to their nearest gay gurus. 

“So,  _ Evak, _ ” Magnus clicked his tongue twice. “Yesterday I made one of those tests that tells you if you’re either a vers, a bottom or a top. Guess what.”

“You’re a bottom?” Isak tried his luck. Magnus nodded decidedly until Mahdi arrived. 

“You’re a bottom?” He asked, way more confused than Isak. Magnus looked mortified, face already growing red. 

“Yes. Bottom. Bot. LoL. League of Legends. ADC, supp. We were talking about League of Legends. Gamer boys. I love League of Legends. Don’t you love League of Legends? We should play League of Legends instead of stupid FIFA next time.” 

“Uhm, what the fuck?” Mahdi frowned. “You know I hate League of Legends.”

“Yeah, me too.”

An awkward silence settled upon them. Isak glanced at his boyfriend who looked back at him. Judging by his smirk, Even seemed to understand what was going on there. 

“Uhm…  _ Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe _ ?” Even had to open his big mouth. Isak choked on his own breath. 

“Man, I love Brooklyn 99!” Mahdi blurted out.  _ Of course it was one of his quotes _ . Even and Mahdi engaged then in a discussion about who was the best character on the show. Meanwhile, Isak narrowed his eyes at Magnus and he avoided his gaze.  _ Gay vibe _ . He pulled him apart from Mahdi and Even by the arm. 

 

“What’s happening here?” 

“Pft! Nothing,” Magnus shoved him off. “Okay, Mahdi and I hooked up last weekend.” He really wasn’t good at keeping secrets.

“Whaaaaaaaaat.”

“It was just… you know, a bro helping a bro out!” Magnus said as if it was the most obvious thing. “Vilde left me for a girl and my straight male ego was hurting.”

“Wait. How do you know about Vilde?” 

“Everyone knows she’s dating Eva and Noora is kind of pissed. I don’t know why though,” Okay, Isak had to catch up with TLLT like right now. “Anyways, the thing is, while we were getting each other off, I kissed him.”

“Magnus, for fuck’s sake! You can’t even have a proper brojob without being ridiculous!” 

“And I think I might have realized I’m pansexual.”

“So you’re bisexual.”

“No, that’s not-”

“Wha-?” Isak was yelling at this point. “I was the only closeted teen in this high school! And now you are all gay and shit. What about my fear? What about my struggle?”

 

_ “At first, Isak enjoyed the gay drama like everyone else would. Then, he felt pushed aside. Similar to you, Eskild, when the young and soft Isak got himself a boyfriend who was not only handsome, but attractive and hot.” _

_ Isak rolled his eyes. “Even, can you let me do the explaining?”  _

_ “Say I’m hot.” _

_ “No.” _

 

***

 

Eva and Vilde were properly dating as Magnus had told him.

Noora started hanging out with Sarah. With freaking Sara. His ex. 

Chris and Sana apparently held hands now.

And he sometimes caught a glimpse of Mahdi and Magnus staring at each other for too long. 

 

Even told him to calm down and be happy for them. 

“After all, studies show that millennials are the gayest generation. It’s chill.” 

But Isak missed his world full of straights. He missed his straight friends and their straight conversations about straight girls sucking off their straight dicks. He missed playing straight football games and eating straight kebabs with them. He missed Chris suggestively licking her straight spoon at him. God, Isak even missed the straight dancing chicks that fangirled over Even and him. 

Then, he remembered. He had a straight friend left. One hell of a skater, pot enthusiast, pussy eater straight friend. 

 

“Jonas! I’ve missed you, bro,” Isak pulled him into a hug when he saw him the next morning at school. “Where have you been?”

“I had the flu so I was at-” Jonas fake coughed. “home. Isak, I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Isak said, voice trembling. _Please don’t be bi._ _Don’t make me miss the Penetrators too._

“I have had a crush on you all this time, bro. I thought… I thought I just liked the attention. But I can’t handle it anymore. I’m so jealous of Even.”

 

***

 

“I ran before he could see my reaction. And well, here we are now,” Isak finished his story. Even, Eskild and him were leaning against the kitchen counter.

“So, let me get this straight,” Eskild said behind his mug of coffee. “All of your friends are LGBT now. ”

“Yes.”

“And you are complaining about it.”

“Yes.”

Eskild looked at him without blinking for a few seconds.

“You’re stupid.”

“No!”

“And that’s how Isak Valtersen,” Even began to talk, turning around from Eskild and him. “the handsome and talented blond Elvis’ boyfriend, learnt an invaluable lesson: We, the LGBT community, have to support each other in order to change this heteronormative society into one based on respect and love.”

“Even! How many times do I have to tell you? There isn’t any camera on that wall, stop looking at it like you’re in  _ The Office _ -”

“ _ ISAK _ !” Someone opened the door abruptly. It was Penetrator Chris. 

“How the fuck did you get in?” 

“Noora let me in. Please help me,” Chris approached Isak and took one of his hands. “I think I’m greyromantic heterosexual and people on tumblr say that I’m not LGBT.”

  
That’s the story of how Isak Valtersen had a mental breakdown in his own kitchen. And the gays (and the bisexuals) lived happily ever after. 

**Author's Note:**

> it seems like I'm not able to write anything but crack lol 
> 
> kudos and comments feed my cat, I don't have one but leave them anyways!!!! 
> 
> tw: @evenismo


End file.
